Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
