what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
