There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
