I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
