mondays should just be called national damage control day
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
