Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
