I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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