Please, let me fuck your mom
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We are two peas in an std pod
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
