A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
