I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
