My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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