some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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