i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
