I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
