Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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