I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
false alarm, still single
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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