You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
