Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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