Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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