we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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