i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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