I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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