The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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