I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
