She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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