It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
