I cannot find my penis.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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