the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
