I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
