his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize