We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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