What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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