he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
