I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
