I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
