My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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