it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
