My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
