Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
