He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
