Don't you send me to vm
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
