I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
