I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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