I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
