I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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