and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
