a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
