as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We left an ass print on the piano.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize