I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
