Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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