Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize