I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Randomize
