I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
