Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
