So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
