the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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