My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
