My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
