I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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