my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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