I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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