Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
